Educational Morsel of the Week: Puppy Antiquing

    We've never done a "how-to" Educational Morsel, but there is, as we all know, a first time for everything. Everyone today is all a-twitter about distressing and aging various household objects like tables, armoires, and desks. Why stop there? We at Exuberant Calliope believe that this method of making your possessions more aesthetically pleasing should be used for many unorthodox items, as well. Your refrigerator got you down? Age it! Spatulas not holding your attention? Distress those bastards. Bed sheets look too new? Just a few coats of alternately-shaded paints and they'll be as good as old.
I don't know about you, but my favorite thing to antique is a good puppy, preferably a golden retriever. Don't worry: I'm not talking about anything drastic, like sawing one of the little guy's legs off with a bread knife (although that is one method of distressing a new puppy). We'll start off simply.



    Here's what you'll need:

    puppy
    rag or cleaning brush
    flat latex paint (any color will do)
    paintbrushes
    distressing agents (any or all of these: steel wool, sandpaper [fine grit], chisel, x-acto blade, razor blade, sling blade [some people call it a kaiser blade], thumbscrew, ice pick, pickaxe [white-hot], ball peen hammer, masonry nails, rubbing alcohol, speculum [white-hot], cat o' nine tails, raper [we suggest the Puppy-Raper PLUS! by eRapeCo.] broken glass shards and glass-shard-inserter, sharp stone, chainsaw, bone saw, bread knife, high-quality scissors [white-hot], high-quality stiletto, bone-curler, skin-folder, embalming fluid, rope, toe-crumbler, high-molarity acid solution [preferably hydrochloric, or carbolic], eye-drill, eye-slicer, taser, eye-tickler, ants, crazy glue, lighter fluid, matches, duct tape, oil [for boiling], linoleum knife [white-hot], wallpaper paste, 9mm pistol)
    paste wax with stain
    screwdriver



    And here's what you'll do:

1. Shave, clean the puppy. You'll use the dampened rag or cleaning brush to get all the grime and dirt off of the skin that you can. Puppies can be really disgusting, but work hard and eventually you'll be able to eat off of it. Let the dog dry completely.

2. Wipe off any loose paint with dry rag. This step is important, because loose paint can get in the way of the distressing, and you wouldn't want the little puppy to be less distressed than it could otherwise be.

3. Put one or two coats of the flat latex paint on the puppy. Don't worry about covering the pre-existing paint. You can use one color, but the effect is better if you use two coats of paint of two different shades. This gives the illusion the the puppy has been painted many times before, possibly by different owners. It gives the puppy a lived-in feel. Before the paint is completely dry, start the distressing.

4. This is where your creativity pays off. Use your distressing tools to scrape off paint from key areas. You need only do this around the areas that normally see the most wear, like the cute baby puppy nose, the tip of the little tail, and the tiny precious toes. Tip: if you use ants, make sure that the ants don't skeletonize the puppy, or you'll have to start over with a new one.

5. All that's left is to apply the paste wax with stain. Choosing the color of the wax stain is up to you. It all depends on how "dirty" and worn you want the puppy to look. A shorter-bristled brush works best for this job. After this sits for three hours, wipe the wax down with a soft cloth.


    See? Easy. Now you have a puppy that looks like it has seen fifty years of life, all for a few hours of work. You'll never have to worry about having a boring puppy ever again!

    That's it for this week's Educational Morsel, kids. Hope you had as much fun as I did!

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